Raw Chocolate Salty Balls Recipe – In Honor of Chef

Who’s the greatest TV chef ever? Anthony Bourdain? No. Gordon Ramsey? Not a chance. Jamie Oliver? Don’t make me laugh. The answer? That’s easy. Chef. He doesn’t even need a traditional human name. He is Chef. The one and only. Voiced by Isaac Hayes and scripted by the geniuses behind the greatest TV show of all time, South Park, the iconic school cafeteria Chef has brought me immeasurable laughter and joy, mostly through his wildly inappropriate, yet educational, songs. In what was arguably the funniest of all these ballads, Chef gives out the secret recipe to his most addictive delicacy. His Chocolate Salty Balls.

Say everybody have you seen my balls?

They’re big and salty and brown,

If you ever need a quick pick me up,

Just stick my balls in your Mouth!

– Chef, as sung by Isaac Hayes

If you’re wondering, “Hey, Where’s the link to that awesome song?” then have no fear dear reader; there will be a link to the video at the end of the post. For the mean time, we’re going to focus on the important stuff. Which is the actual recipe. Now Chef actually sings out an entire recipe, but unfortunately, it’s not raw, vegan, healthy, or as he claims it to be, “packed full of vitamins, and good for you.”

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Probably the best Food Stand ever erected in history of mankind

Far be it for me to call Chef a liar, but I think he was actually referring to the metaphorical emotional vitamins that one derives from the magical cuisine cooked up by the best school cafeteria chef ever. And the soulful goodness delivered by the smooth voice of Isaac Hayes.

So with the irrepressible desire to put Chef’s balls in my mouth, I took it upon myself to make a healthy, Raw, Vegan version of Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls. Warning : it has been said that once you suck on these Raw Chocolate Salty Balls Recipe, you’ll never be able to go back to the Cooked version.

Raw Chocolate Salty Balls Recipe

Rating: 51

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Raw Chocolate Salty Balls Recipe

Ingredients

  • *All the products linked to below are from UbudDirect, my favorite online Organic Grocery Store in Bali, and are affiliate links. This means RawFoodBali receives a very small percentage of any purchases you make after clicking one of these links. The prices stay the same, and you help support me so I can keep providing you high quality content and information about healthy living in Bali 🙂

  • 1 cup Pecans (soaked and dehydrated)
  • 1/2 cup Walnuts (soaked and dehydrated)
  • 1/4 cup Goji Berries
  • 1/4 cup Raisins
  • 1/4 cup Cacao Beans
  • 1/4 cup Cacao Powder
  • 1/4 cup Cacao Butter (melted)
  • 2 tbsp Coconut Palm Sugar
  • 1 tsp Light Miso
  • 1 tsp Salt
  • 1/4 tsp Cinnamon

Instructions

  1. Blitz the Pecans, Walnuts and Cacao Beans in a food processor until they're broken up into small pieces.
  2. Add the rest of the ingredients except Cacao Butter and blitz until well mixed.
  3. Snicker repeatedly as the crude yet genius humor of Trey Park and Matt Stone tiptoes in and out of your mind.
  4. Add Cacao Butter and blitz just until incorporated.
  5. Roll into balls by hand and coat with cacao powder or cinnamon.
  6. Suck on my Chocolate Salty Balls.
  7. (Optional) Put into the fridge for an hour or two and let harden so that the balls can be sucked on for a longer period of time.
  8. Watch the video to the song and sing along as loud as you can.
https://rawfoodbali.com/raw-chocolate-salty-balls-recipe-in-honor-of-chef/

 

Notes

  • I was low on dates at the time, and probably would’ve used them instead of goji berries or raisins, but they were a damn fine substitute. The raisins add a bit of flavor whereas the gojis aren’t noticeable. If raisins aren’t your cup of tea, replace with dates, or even more gojis.
  • The miso needs to be super light and bordering on sweet. I always stock two misos in my kitchen; a very light one for desserts and cheeses, and a dark one for savory, umami (the fifth  flavor) flavored dishes.
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