Who’s the greatest TV chef ever? Anthony Bourdain? No. Gordon Ramsey? Not a chance. Jamie Oliver? Don’t make me laugh. The answer? That’s easy. Chef. He doesn’t even need a traditional human name. He is Chef. The one and only. Voiced by Isaac Hayes and scripted by the geniuses behind the greatest TV show of all time, South Park, the iconic school cafeteria Chef has brought me immeasurable laughter and joy, mostly through his wildly inappropriate, yet educational, songs. In what was arguably the funniest of all these ballads, Chef gives out the secret recipe to his most addictive delicacy. His Chocolate Salty Balls.
Say everybody have you seen my balls?
They’re big and salty and brown,
If you ever need a quick pick me up,
Just stick my balls in your Mouth!
– Chef, as sung by Isaac Hayes
If you’re wondering, “Hey, Where’s the link to that awesome song?” then have no fear dear reader; there will be a link to the video at the end of the post. For the mean time, we’re going to focus on the important stuff. Which is the actual recipe. Now Chef actually sings out an entire recipe, but unfortunately, it’s not raw, vegan, healthy, or as he claims it to be, “packed full of vitamins, and good for you.”
Probably the best Food Stand ever erected in history of mankind
Far be it for me to call Chef a liar, but I think he was actually referring to the metaphorical emotional vitamins that one derives from the magical cuisine cooked up by the best school cafeteria chef ever. And the soulful goodness delivered by the smooth voice of Isaac Hayes.
So with the irrepressible desire to put Chef’s balls in my mouth, I took it upon myself to make a healthy, Raw, Vegan version of Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls. Warning : it has been said that once you suck on these Raw Chocolate Salty Balls Recipe, you’ll never be able to go back to the Cooked version.
- I was low on dates at the time, and probably would’ve used them instead of goji berries or raisins, but they were a damn fine substitute. The raisins add a bit of flavor whereas the gojis aren’t noticeable. If raisins aren’t your cup of tea, replace with dates, or even more gojis.
- The miso needs to be super light and bordering on sweet. I always stock two misos in my kitchen; a very light one for desserts and cheeses, and a dark one for savory, umami (the fifth flavor) flavored dishes.